I can’t be trusted.


The photo above is very apropos to me because at 38 years old, I’m really just beginning to understand something SO profound that it’s changing the way in which I’ve viewed many situations I’ve been in, in my life.

I thought that I understood it but only recently have I discovered that this belief runs SO deep that what I originally was looking at was merely the surface.

You’ve got to know going in that this revelation brings up a lot of shame and embarrassing feelings, the sense that I “should have known better,” when I look at how obvious it’s been all my life.

Maybe you too, don’t even know what’s really stopping you or MAYBE you’re aware that it’s something but have no idea what *it* is or where to look for it.  Maybe you’re like me, with a strong knowing of what I desire, I understand the tools (Law of Attraction, Affirmations, Prayer) but things never quite materialized, and if they did they were SO not how I was expecting them that I felt thrown off by their arrival. I’m only starting to understand that the things I have been working on manifesting could never come into my present experience fully because I have believed this one message so strongly.

It’s the message, running around in the dark corners of my mind that…

I am NOT to be trusted.

The “ I” that is both my mind AND my body.
·       My eyes are not to be trusted.
·       My body is not to be trusted.
·       My will is not to be trusted.
·       My desires are not to be trusted.
·       My feelings (about my parents, love, sex, money, purpose) are not to be trusted.
·       My dreams are not to be trusted.
·       My intuition is not to be trusted.

Shocking huh?  

This message has been rattling around in my mind; unconsciously, deliberately and viciously whispering to me, to perpetuate the belief and bring about situations outside of myself that verifies what I have been believing, all this time.

Can you imagine how believing I’m not to be trusted can affect EVERY area of my life?

SO deep in the abyss of my regularly scheduled program this message hung on, that I was not aware how many areas of my life, believing this message, it affected.

I knew something was going on when over and over again, I couldn’t quite achieve many of the things I set out to do in my life, in my body, my relationships, my passion toward helping others “feel heard,” I always found myself asking “Why is this happening”?

I would meditate every day, say positive things, write in my journal, vision board, take steps toward what I wanted, I would exercise to get healthier, but because I truly believed, DEEP DOWN, that I am not to be trusted, Of COURSE it wouldn’t fully manifest.

Well, it absolutely makes sense that if I believe I’m not to be trusted, then I will do everything I can to NOT get what I ultimately want.

The ultimate form of self-sabotage.
And to go even farther, I am just starting to understand that I have come close to understanding this deceptive message, many times in my life, but like a game of hide and seek, when I came close to its hiding spot, it would move to another area of my life, leaving me confused, resentful and tired, giving me yet another reason to believe I am not to be trusted with the location of something that feels so foreign in my experience.

So… upon recently learning the depth and breadth to which this belief has permeated my life, I feel a freedom that I have NEVER felt before. EVER. Maybe for someone else, knowing that I have believed I am not to be trusted would be scary but for me…I feel like the chain that held me tethered to the ground has been severed and I am SOARING above the ground…looking down at all the things I wanted in my life, looking down at the buildings halfway built, excited to finish what I started.

Honestly it feels like I’m flying.

Let me tell ya, that in NO way does that mean that the belief that I am not to be trusted has gone away, NO MA’AM, but what frees me is I know the antidote. Every time I feel that fear clutching me… keeping me from finishing what I’ve built, I say…

“I trust my body”
“I trust my decision.”
“I trust my husband.”
“I trust in my faith.”

It’s like this has been the missing piece to the puzzle of my life. While I am only at the beginning stages to see how learning to TRUST will unfold in my life, I can already feel the effects of this antidote – I am BEYOND excited to see what happens from here!

Woman from history you admire
For me, I admire the women of the Women’s Suffrage Party in the early 1900’s who believed SO MUCH in a woman’s right to vote that they protested, campaigned, communed, were arrested, endured violent threats and assaults. They also influenced their male counterparts to give way to the Nineteenth Amendment in 1920 that has PAVED the way for you and me to be where we are today.

I absolutely believe if it weren’t for those women, TRUSTING themselves and what they felt inside, even when so many of their fellow women were too scared to take a step, we would not be where we are today. We still have a ways to go to become completely equal in the eyes of employers and frankly, the world, but the women of this party made great strides for every woman out there. I am grateful for their dedication and sheer will to do what they knew they had to, to make this country a better place for their future children.  

About the Author
Kerilyn Russo is one of The Searchers. As a certified life coach, she is fulfilling her purpose to help others ‘feel heard’. Her tribe are significant others, intertwined with those in the restaurant industry. Her website, Married to a Chef, seeks to connect and inspire them to find their OWN value in their relationships and ultimately, their lives. Kerilyn currently lives 15 minutes outside the Washington DC area with her chef husband, and kitty girl. A new student of ‘A Course in Miracles’, she has a BURNING DESIRE to soak up all she can with this radical philosophy. Finally, she loves Reggae music, guacamole, and anything with glitter.

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